Happy New Year!
Boy, do I have a story...
I woke up this morning with a decent hangover. As I go to the bathroom to puke some more, I notice that I had lipstick lips of various colours all over my face. Thinking I probably had an awesome night, I puke up what's left in my stomach, make some ginger tea and watch the Star Wars original trilogy. I soon realized that I didn't have my jacket, let alone my bag which meant it was somewhere in the snow-covered city. I go downstairs to get my cellphone to make some calls and I see that I have 32 missed calls and texts.
I call the most recent, which is from my friend Nic sent earlier this afternoon. He picks up and tells me that my jacket and bag are there, so I head over to pick them up and learn about what happened last night. He however, didn't have a clue like me so we start our own version of The Hangover and begin our adventure to piece together what happened last night. I take out my phone and start making calls and texts to those who messaged me earlier, and I see several new contacts and people I don't remember. The first person I call is my Dad who called to wish me a happy new year. According to him, he called me at 12:30 where I was apparently downtown somewhere partying with some friends and Korean tourists. I finish having a conversation with my Dad, and then I check my bag for any more clues. I only took my bottle of chilled Smirnoff to the party, but within my bag was some moonshine, an empty bottle of whiskey, an empty bottle of Grey Goose, some Bailey's and a little bit of my vodka left. Nic identified the whiskey bottle as his and he remembered a tiny part of the night. We were sharing the whiskey with the Koreans as we went drunk-tobogganing and when we finished, I kept it in my bag.
Moving on to my jacket, I find several scraps of paper and some of my Minimal Effect business cards with names and numbers written on them. So I call the one that is probably one of the Korean tourists. She picks up, asking me how I am after that fight last night and I'm like "Uh, what fight?" She tells me the following story:
I had lipstick all over my face from my friend Nat's New Year party, and I told them I was the "Kiss Collector" (This causes Nic to remember that after the clock struck midnight, I started going around the party as the "Kiss Collector"; some are pecks on the cheek, some are make-out sessions and apparently I got kissed my some random gay guy on the cheek. A bunch of us decided that the basement apartment is getting way too hot and we decided to go out for some drunk-tobogganing and snowball fights). This prompts the Korean girls (named Euna and Yuri) and their friend Yoo (a gay Korean) to give me kisses. They joined Nic, myself and several others in our trip further downtown for some drunk tobogganing. After having fun in Major's Hill Park, the group starts to split up. Nic, my friend Marc and I head off with our new Korean friends since we agreed to drunkenly help them find their hotel. On this part of the journey, some really drunk douchebags apparently started to heckle and hit on Euna and Yuri, and became rather violent and forceful when they routinely rejected them. Being gentlemen, Nic, Marc and I told them to back off but then one of the four douchebags threw a punch at Marc, prompting me to swing at him while Nic tackled another guy. I somehow hit the guy square in the jaw and kneed him in the face, knocking him out. I was hit from behind, so I spun around to receive a punch to the gut which caused me to puke all over this guy's face, which Marc then punched, sending him to the ground. Nic was still wrestling/fighting with the biggest dude on the ground and while he may be short, Nic's a tank. The last of the d-bags in a fist-fight with Yoo, so we go to help him out. Soon enough, the fight is over, we are the victors, and continue on to the hostel where our Korean friends are staying. They thank us for a memorable New Year and give us their numbers and the rest of their liquor as thanks and say we should all hang out again. It was at this point that we apparently left, and it explains the extra bottles I had in my bag.
Since Nic and I don't remember what happened next, we called Marc who revealed that in our search for a taxi, I continued to be the Kiss Collector and kissed several more people along the way, one of whom was an apprently awesome girl who gave all of us kisses on the lips randomly. We finally get a taxi and left for Nic's place for some more hanging out. According to Marc, I was soon puking in Nic's bathroom. Nic knocked on the door asking me if I was alright and I apparently said "Yeah, I'm fine. Just let me be", but then Nic, who is as drunk as I am, kicks in the bathroom door, completely destroying the door knob in the process. When asked why, Nic apparently said "he wanted to be absolutely sure I was okay". We start to laugh, and run around the apartment, with Nic occasionally throwing things like pillows, small coins and packaged food.
We decided the night was still young so we called a taxi and went downstairs to wait for it. Down there, we bumped into some random sketchy American dude who apparently really liked Insane Clown Posse and offered to drive the three of us to the party provided he could attend. We cancelled the taxi and got in this dude's car which was blaring Insane Clown Posse and he offered us some moonshine (this explains the remaining moonshine I had). We get to Nat's and upon opening the door, we were greeting by our friend Brooks projectile vomitting all over Nat's place. Nat apparently went to sleep, but people were still there partying. The American dude was chilling around but eventually started to take oxycontin out from its aluminum wrap that he neglected to tell us about which prompts out friend Seb to suggest that everyone should probably leave. Marc, Nic and I take a taxi back to Nic's where we hang out for a bit and where Nic accidentally breaks a few more things. Nic went to high kick his punching bag, but slipped and made a loud thud on the floor. According to Marc, I apparently said "Whoa man, this is too much for me," and I apparently just left, leaving behind my jacket and backpack. So there I am, sometime in the middle of the night, walking around my super-nice neighbourhood in some fancy clothes without a jacket.
Nic was apparently concerned that I might have died out there in the snow and cold and soon enough the word spread, which explains all the texts and missed calls from several different people. And now here I am, for the second time in my life, having to put away rumours that I might be dead.
^^^^ And all this is only the part of the night I didn't remember.
Tekk wrote:But yeah, I like the idea of a spambot selling prison knives more, too. Let's go with that.
I am the drummer for Minimal Effect, a minimalist experimental rock band from the Canadian Capital.http://minimaleffect.bandcamp.com/